Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

This joke is 7 years old

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.