My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I think this should do it.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.