My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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Watching the Super Bowl because I鈥檓 a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone鈥檚 talking about the next couple days.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Today鈥檚 spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life鈥檚 woes with a delightful sheep ride
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
鈥滺e seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
After seeing my share of people鈥檚 ultrasound pictures I鈥檓 convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it鈥檇 be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Seal it so to open it, you鈥檒l need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms