My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
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[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
time for some seasonal decor
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
making my dog give me my pills
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain