My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Split the bill
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.