My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want