Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

Eating for two.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?