Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.