My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
You Might Also Like
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”