My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Perfect.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”