Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

so this horse walks into a bar

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

I enjoy a good short stor

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks