My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.