My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Jail
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables