My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Is this a threat?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
