My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.