My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
😭😭
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Pandas 🐼🖤
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.