My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing