My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?