My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey