My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I did not eat the cake…
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely