Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

Bill is short for Billiam

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Rambo Rambow

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Found something new to say when I leave a room.