my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
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(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that