My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
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Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*