Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet