My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
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First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Oh yeah that’s it
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.