Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

The news

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands