My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.