Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.