My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
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Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying