My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Sounds like a real hoot.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants