My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
hand it over!
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q