My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
ACED my prostate exam!