My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

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Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.


Me: *brings home new puppy*



Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.


I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.


If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.


Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout


[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over


ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?


I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.