@Emotionalcheese

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

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@lisaxy424

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

@3sunzzz

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

@sofarrsogud

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

@9262Laura

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

@SCOOPISMS

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

@SnarkyMommy78

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

@KeetPotato

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?

@AmishPornStar1

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.