Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?