Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.