My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.