My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
an octopus is just a wet spider
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
dude it’s called proctologist
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs