Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

This story is comedy gold 😂

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’