Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

crochet youtube is brutal

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Me irl

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*