Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.