My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?