Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

Spoiler Alert: I was late