My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants