My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”