My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You Might Also Like
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
then why did i get this email
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die