My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.