My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’d hang this in my house.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.