My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.