My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You Might Also Like
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Drive like no one is watching.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.