My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
meow
*Inspirational Tweets*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.