My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
my retirement plan is braless
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
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Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish