My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I’m not stressed
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.