@mayamanion

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

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@CameronxDonovan

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

@dave_cactus

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

@david8hughes

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

@jctwritesstuff

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

@ArfMeasures

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

@YoungManDadJoke

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

@NicestHippo

*runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor