Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

Its a hippotatomus

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody