My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
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As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Me too
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet