Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.