My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
You Might Also Like
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Why is no one talking about this?!
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.