Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.