My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”