My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.