My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
sigh
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’d use my best pan on you.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts