My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
We’re all getting idioter.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
