My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
