Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.