My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.