My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
You Might Also Like
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Guy who likes music
We avoided this particular disaster
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT