Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.