My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect