My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
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I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
This is my bus stop.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
the Monday after daylight savings
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Last-minute gift idea!
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
i think both sides are to blame here
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.