My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Finally, a door that understands me
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Home #decor warning.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”