My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Thank heavens for community notes
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
blocked.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?