My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?