My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?