My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Dead sexy!!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
TODAY
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’