my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“Why would I pee into the toilet when there’s a perfectly good floor and wall right next to it?”
– My sons, probably
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.