my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
You Might Also Like
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭