My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
You Might Also Like
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
incredible google review i just found
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one