Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Kermit goes Blue.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you