Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think this cat is broken

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

My dress code is business-casualty.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.